March 29 Water đźś„: Emotions
Blame and Labels
I spent years blaming my husband for his alcoholic cruelties and his bipolar chaos, suggesting that his behaviors were the reason for our problems, until his poor, tired mother said to me, “Your relationship is toxic.” I balked as I realized that her perspective was entirely objective. My spouse was not a toxic person; what we created together, between us, was poison. This implied that I played a part in the problem. At the same time, I would be wise to not take the entire blame either.
Although the marriage ended in divorce, I now experience profound peace with him, and I recognize that he too suffered, perhaps even more than I did. I did not need to vilify him in order to justify our break up. Blaming him and labeling him with his mental illness was my way of remaining superior, and retaliating for our combined loss.
Related Expertise
“If you use blame to avoid accountability, you are also avoiding speaking truthfully about how you feel and accepting and listening to how others feel. Constantly sidestepping this powerful, vulnerable process of negotiating and communicating means you are not likely to develop empathy for others. In fact research shows that [those with]… self-obsessed attributes, are prone to blame more than others” (Jacobson, 2023).
Inspired Action
Take a personal inventory with regard to those deeply painful rifts. If only to yourself or your higher power, try to admit even a small part of what you privately regret. Then choose someone you trust to confess this truth. It will likely leave you feeling lighter and less resentful. It is okay to look at those things that cause our own guilt or shame. It is the only way to cleanse ourselves of it. Avoiding, denying, blaming…they only imprison us. Compassion costs nothing.
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