April 8. Air đ: The Mind
Silent Wars.
When an unexpected conflict with a loved one occurs, we may suddenly feel guarded. Is it safe here with you? Will this person see to reason? Will we resolve this with love, or is this going to be a battle?Â
Then we grow silent.
The confusion of silence during any altercation is that we donât know if we are safe. Is this person shutting me out with contempt, or is she just trying to work through her thoughts and feelings? Things can get really distorted in that silence, especially when you attempt to communicate, but your effort is met with only more silence.
Related Expertise
âIf you are stonewalling and feeling flooded, say that you need a break using whatever signal, word, or phrase you and your partner have decided upon. Let each other know when youâre feeling overwhelmed. Then, you need to walk away and do something soothing on your own. This break should last at least twenty minutes since it will take that much time for your bodies to physiologically calm downâ (Gottman, 2024).
Inspired Action
When you feel you are being punished with silence, tell the person you are willing and waiting for a conversation of resolution. Do not engage further. The two of you are not playing by the same rules.Â
Instead, disengage and refocus on your own activities without joining this person in a silent war. Be warm – not cold. Try to remember that you care about them, and they are unable to discuss anything due to their own issues and patterns, not due to yours.
